The flip side.
Lately I've been on an inspired streak. Looking back through past posts, they seem to be mostly positive, with the exception of the occasional "I'm too tired to be positive" comment. Despite all of this positivity, when I dig deep enough within me, into those places where I find much of my inspired energy, the story isn't so simple. And of course, in this random space, thankfully somewhat devoid of the awkwardness that so often prevents me from being so brutally honest in the sharing of my innermost thoughts, I am free to speak my mind. With me, as the night deepens, my mind becomes less inhibited and has much to say. And sans inhibitions, eventually my thoughts wander across one of the hardest things for me to make sense of beyond a vague intuition.
This brings me back to the word I mentioned in earlier writing: Paradoxical. I'll take one of many stabs at describing why this word comes to mind, when I think of me. I don't know that I'll even dent the topic, but here's to trying, and hopefully learning along the way.
There are so many moments where I feel a spectrum of conflicting emotions simultaneously: passion, fear, inspiration, sadness, desire, confusion, love, loneliness, determination, and behind it all a deep yearning - for what I'm only vaguely aware. Sometimes they are all so tightly intertwined, it's as if it was a single emotion - and so common in my life, I almost find comfort in the feeling. Almost. But instead of just letting it stew inside of me, which I've admittedly been doing for much too long, I've decided to get it out and use the energy to help drive the things I believe in most.
Hence the focus of my blog, which isn't entirely clear, except that it's an expression of the things that resonate deeply with me, the things that make my life more than something merely mechanical, beyond just a string of flitting amusements, and make it a tiny collection of those rare but precious moments that offer me a deep and profound sense of meaning.
Often I'm at a loss to explain the duality I find inside of me. People are so much more comfortable 'knowing' exactly who you are, how you will respond, where you 'fit' in the scheme of things. The unknown brings discomfort, confusion, often breeding additional unknowns along the way: "Keep it simple please. Your choices: Chinese, German; American, Canadian; Agnostic, Atheist, Christian or Buddhist. Make a single check mark in the box that describes you." People must be able to rely upon you to help them mold the world in their image of comfort and security. What happens when, like me, all boxes could be checked, but need some sort of caveat? I'm Christian, but only in the sense that we are all potential Christ's, or children of divinity, the grandest potential of the universe. Phew. All of that with just a single check mark. Right.
And the ironic thing is, that in my diversity of life experiences (not as diverse as some, probably more diverse than others), I have learned one key thing that preserves my own inner diversity. I've learned to be simple, to keep the story simple: I am what you were hoping for. I am that, and nothing more [unless you're interested in something more]...don't look beyond this controlled expression. I am function. I am business. I am product. I am a tool, the exact one you are looking for. But really, the Universe is chaos, unending potential, full of unknowns. Why does this scare you? Why can't I, like the infinite chaos we're drifting through, have a changing definition, an endless horizon?
But I'm not here to force my view on others, or to give them discomfort in my presence (I am truly sorry for anyone who has heard or read my more personally-intimate thoughts and felt negatively as a result), so I am willing to remake a part of me in their image, to be what they need me to be, as I need their cooperation to build the visions I fervently believe in. In doing so, I have learned to become the opposite of how I see myself on the inside. The chaos becomes order, the ripples become smooth, the 'opposition' - the ideas, beliefs and visions of those I often don't agree with - becomes yet another facet of myself. I feel simultaneously hypocritical, and complete.
The more diversity I embrace, the harder I find it to express who I am. There is something I need to be, something I'm becoming, something I believe in deeply, and yet can hardly quantify. And much like lateral thinking, except in this case it's my life moving laterally, the answer may be sitting right beside me, but I'm looking the other way, prepared to follow the confusing tangle of road signs instead of side-stepping directly towards the place I really seek. But I am learning to accept, for the most part, that the Universe is chaotic, full of unlimited and unknowable potential, full of paradoxes that ring true, yet seem to make little sense. My life is a part of this chaos, a flicker in the continuum, and the journey, though confusing and sometimes dark, is full of beautiful and surprising moments that light the way. And more than anything, I want to share.
Admittedly, I'm very afraid to share these thoughts because they are barely formed, barely risen from a place that I barely understand, where intuition is strong and words are weak. But I dislike being so alone in this space, so I'll make the attempt anyway. Please bare with me...